The Film's the Thing: Billy Crystal

Showing posts with label Billy Crystal. Show all posts

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Saturday Mornings Chat and Chew

Lee: Good Morning.

Kiki: Morning...

Lee: So, here's the buffet...What's going on?

Kiki: Nothing. I'm great. Just great!

(Waitress walks by)

Oh, ma'am? Can I get some more butter?

Lee: A word of advice: when you hit formica? Stop.

Kiki: You know the expression, "falling off the wagon", Lee? This is what it looks like.

Lee: Yeah, but, you've got 20, 30 pounds of food to break your fall. What the hell happened?

Kiki: Bad morning. Proceeded by 33 bad years.

Lee: Does this have something to do with Gwen?

Kiki: Mmm, of course not. I love my sister. I love everything about her...

"Kiki. Kiki-kins. Who's smoking? I smell smoke. Is someone smoking within a six mile radius of
where I'm standing?!? Stop them, Kiki! Stop them–"

(Waitress walks by)

Oh, Ma'am? The butter?

What are they out of butter? How can you run out of butter?

Lee: Well, I have one theory–

Kiki: You know, what? I need an assistant. If I had an assistant she would be outside right now–
milking a cow–and I would never–ever–run out of butter...
"Oh, Kiki, my butter has touched another food. I need new butter."
(under her breathe) Oh, I need more honey.
That's the way it goes, Lee. Right? You're a publicist. You know. Anything they want, right?

She's got a green dress. Looks like crap on her. Brings out the circles under her eyes. She knows
it. I know it...She gave it to me. It actually looks pretty nice on me. And then she says, well,
maybe she wanted it back–you know what I mean? She doesn't want it. She just doesn't want me
to have it. That's the truth.

Lee: So, what is it? You're in love with Eddie?

Kiki: Wouldn't that be stupid?

Lee: Kiki, I have done every one of their movies. I've never seen him look at her the way he's been
looking at you. And if you're in love–you should just go for it. The way you went for this
breakfast! Well, not the way you went for this breakfast...that's just...you know

Kiki: Lee? I think...I'm gonna be...sick...could you just...

Lee: Oh...

(Kiki leaves)
(Waitess sets down butter)

Hi. Listen, I'm gonna take all this to go. I'll need, I don't know, 20-40 bags and a forklift.

(Waitress leaves)

No Laugh. No tip.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Saturday Mornings Chat and Chew

Sally: So, what do you do with these women? You just get up out of bed and leave?

Harry: Sure

Sally: Well, explain to me how you do it? What do you say?

Harry: Just say I have an early meeting, early haircut, early squash game...

Sally: You don't play squash.

Harry: They don't know that. They just met me.

Sally: That's disgusting.

Harry: I know. I feel terrible.

Sally: You know, I am so glad I never got involved with you. I just would've ended up being some
woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at 3 o'clock in the morning to go clean your
andirons. And you don't even have a fireplace. Not that I would know this.

Harry: What are you getting so upset about? This is not about you.

Sally: Yes, it is! You are a human affront to all women. And I am a woman.

Harry: Hey, I don't feel great about this. But, I don't hear anyone complaining.

Sally: Of course not. You're out the door too fast.

Harry: I think they have an okay time.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Whaddyamean, how do I know? I know.

Sally: Because they...

Harry: Yes, because they...

Sally: How do you know that they're really...

Harry: What. Are. You. Saying? That they fake orgasm?

Sally: It's possible.

Harry: Get outta here.

Sally: Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.

Harry: Well, they haven't faked it with me.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because I know.

Sally: Oh. Right. That's right. I forgot–you're a man.

Harry: What is that supposed to mean?

Sally: Nothing. It's just that all man are sure it never happened to them and most woman at one time or
another have done it, so you do the math.

Harry: You don't think that I can tell the difference?

Sally: No

Harry: Get outta here.