The Film's the Thing: Saturday Mornings Chat and Chew

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Saturday Mornings Chat and Chew

Waitress: (sitting them down and hands menus) Here you go.

Tiffany: Thank you

Pat: I'll get a bowl of Raisin Bran

Waitress: Great

Tiffany: Tea

Waitress: (taking menus) Be right up...

Pat: You look nice.

Tiffany: Thanks

(Waitress returns)

Waitress: Raisin Bran. And some milk for you.

(Waitress sets down tea)

Tiffany: Thank you

Pat: You wanna share this?

Tiffany: Why did you order Raisin Bran?

Pat: Why did you order tea?

Tiffany: Because you ordered Raisin Bran...

Pat: I ordered Raisin Bran because I didn't want there to be any mistaking it for a date.

Tiffany: It can stil be a date if you order Raisin Bran.

Pat: It's not a date.

(beat)

So how's your thing going–dancing?

Tiffany: It's good. How's your restraining order?

Pat: I won't actually call the restraining order my "thing". But getting back with Nikki is and I'm doing pretty well. Except for a minor incident at the doctor's office.

Tiffany: And the so-called incident with the weights.

Pat: Yeah, that was the thing with my parents. I wish I could just explain it all in a letter to Nikki because it was minor and I could just explain it and let her know I'm actually not out of control. And, I'm actually doing really well.

Tiffany: I can get a letter to Nikki. I see her sometimes with my sister.

Pat: It would be so amazing if you could get a letter to Nikki from me.

Tiffany: I'd have to hide it from Veronica. She's not into breaking the law, which this letter would definitely be doing.

Pat: But you would do it?

Tiffany: I'd have to be careful. I'm already on thin ice with my family. You should hear how I lost my job.

Pat: How'd you lose your job?

Tiffany: By...having sex with everybody in the office.

Pat: Everybody?

Tiffany: I was very depressed after Tommy died. It was a lot of people.

Pat: We don't have to talk about it.

Tiffany: Thanks.

Pat: How many were there?

Tiffany: Eleven

Pat: Wow

Tiffany: I know

Pat: I'm not gonna talk about it anymore.

Tiffany: Okay

Pat: Can I ask you one more question?

Were there any women?

Tiffany: Yes

Pat: Really?

Tiffany: Yes

Pat: What was that like?

Tiffany: Hot

Pat: Jesus Christ

Was it like, older women, a sexy teacher that wants to seduce you...

Tiffany: Make me sit on her lap and do things? Yeah.

Pat: What? You sat on her lap?

Tiffany: Mmmhmm

Pat: She told you what to do?

Tiffany: Mmmhmm

Pat: Oh my god.

Nikki hated when I talked like this. Made me feel like such a perv. Maybe we should change the subject.

Tiffany: I don't mind it.

Pat: You don't, do you?

Tiffany: No

But then people were getting into fights in the parking lot at work and in the bathroom. And the boss called me into his office and tried to pin it all on me. So, I accused him of harassment. And then they fired me. Sent me home and put me on some meds.

Pat: I get it

This song that was playing when my wife was in the shower with the history teacher...

Tiffany: I heard about that...

Pat: It was my wedding song. When I hear it I go kinda crazy. Sometimes I hear it when it's not even playing.

Tiffany: Wow

Pat: Yeah. So, they put me on medication which I feel ashamed of.

T: Yeah

Pat: So, I know.

I just gotta get a strategy, you know?

Tiffany: Me too

Pat: We better get back to the letter.

Tiffany: Yeah, let's get back to the letter

Pat: What if you told Nikki while Veronica was in the bathroom?

Tiffany: Yes. Yes, that could work. I love that.

Pat: Oh, my god. I'm gonna go home and write the letter right now.

(Pat gets up from the table.)

Tiffany: Well, can I at least finish my tea?

Pat: Wait, what?

Tiffany: My tea. Can I finish it?

Pat: Wait a minute. Did Veronica tell Nikki about our dinner? Why would she do that? Was it a test?

Tiffany: I kinda got that feeling, yeah.

(Pat sits back down)

Pat: God damnit. I knew it. It was a test. How'd I do? I think I did pretty well.

Tiffany: Yeah, she said you were cool, basically.

Pat: Basically? Was I some percentage not cool?

Tiffany: No. She said you were cool, you know.

Pat: No. I don't know.

Tiffany: Sort of how you are. It's fine. Relax.

Pat: What do you mean. How am I? What does that mean?

Tiffany: Sorta like me.

Pat: Sort of like yooooou? I hope to GOD she do not tell Nikki that.

Tiffany: Why?

Pat: Because it...it's just not right. Lumping you and I together. I mean, it's just wrong and Nikki wouldn't like that. Especially after all the shit you just told me.

Tiffany: You think I'm crazier than you?

Pat: Well, because...wwwwrrrrrrr...We're different, you mean.

Tiffany: Oh, my god. Ugh, you're killing me.

You know what? Forget I offered to help you. Forget the entire fucking idea because that must have been fucking crazy because I am so much CRAZIER than you!