Gwyneth Paltrow Here to Save the Day

Let's be honest, most people that watch the Oscars probably haven't seen the films nominated. It doesn't really matter. The Oscars aren't just a celebration of film, but a chance to see movie stars mingling together and being forced to make awkward banter on stage. But, the main reason most people watch is for the fashion. Chances are you'll never have a custom couture gown made for you, so let's look at pretty people who have! The major trend of the night was white, red, and a lot of heavily beaded/sparkly gowns. But, all anyone can talk about is Angie's leg. (It really was kinda amazing/bizarre.) But, one little body part shouldn't get all the attention. I was gonna do a 5 best dressed list, but I was a little unimpressed with everyone as a whole. Luckily, there was one saving grace to the evening. We'll get to her in a moment (pretend like you didn't already read the title of this post). I'm gonna break down my worst, best, and biggest disappointments.

Worst: Shailene Woodley

Maybe I'm biased because I just really didn't like her in The Descendants. She was getting so much praise for crying underwater, but what else did she bring to that role? It's not that she was Jessica Alba-levels of bad or anything, it's just that anyone else could have given that exact same performance. I guess they had to invite her because her film was nominated, but if she stayed on that ABC Family Channel show where she came from, and I never had to hear about her again– I'd be perfectly okay with that. Anyway, back to the dress...

How old is she trying to look here? I think she's still a teenager, but her white-on-white, bedazzled Valentino makes her look like she took her grandmother's old prom dress out of moth balls and is ready for her 40 year high school reunion. This dress is just so dowdy on her. This dress itself is...adequate, i guess (much like her performance). But, it needs like a Diane Lane wearing it–a woman with more maturity that can bring some sex appeal to it. God, would that even work? The more I look at it the more I feel like it's a hopeless cause.

Biggest Disappointments: Rooney Mara and Emma Stone

Y'all know how I feel about these two ladies' style, so it was a huge disappointment when I saw what they chose to wear to their first Oscar ceremony. We knew Rooney was gonna wear something structural, and there are parts of this Givenchy dress that I do enjoy. The back is interesting and weird and the fabric on the train moved so elegantly. But, the front was not right. She told Seacrest that she just picked it out that morning. Maybe if she had had some time, she could have gotten it tailored to actually fit. The bodice was baggy on the sides and tight on the top. There was a strange business happening with her whole ribcage-cleavage area. And what were those scalloped boob shelf embellishments? What was going on there? And the white just washed her out way too much. 

Why would Emma Stone wear a look so similar to the one Nicole Kidman wore to the Oscars in 2007? And Nicole's red bow gown worked so much better. The bow on Emma's red Giambattista Valli gown threatened to devour the actress's head at any moment. It was larger than life. I do like the idea of it. i just think the proportions were off. The color worked well and I do like the flow of the skirt. I just expected so much more from her.

Best Dressed (by far) and My New Hero: Gwyneth Paltrow

You just know that lady behind her in the sari is pissed that she's pulling off a cape 

Without Tilda, Cate, or Nicole at the ceremony this year, it seemed like no one would bring that high fashion look that stands out from the crowd. But then up in the sky came a beacon of white light, in the form of Gwyneth Paltrow in a Tom Ford dress and...cape. I love that cape. It is so elegant and unexpected and really made a pretty white gown, that would have been fine on its own, something to talk about. She looked so glamorous and regal in it, like a 1930's movie goddess. She (and her cape) single-handedly saved the red carpet from being an underwhelming affair. Angie's leg needs to stop stealing the spotlight from the night's real winner. Someone get started on photoshopping Gwyneth's cape on people...