Wednesday, March 13, 2013

What Kind of Girl ARE You?!?

Whoa. Hey, maaaaaan and...all you other groovy, free-love cats. I've been to the future and it's all gooood. Just make you sure you've dropped your LSD otherwise none of this will make sense. Well, it doesn't make sense to begin with but...what was that? It looked like a Barbie-pink spaceship powered by three balloons just flew by. And look who's inside: Barbarella herself. She bares a striking resemblance to two-time Best Actress Oscar winner Jane Fonda. Nah, I think it's just that chick from my mom's exercise vids from the 80's. Either way, we've only just begun and already she's getting naked. Are those space boobs? This is the greatest PG-rated film ever.

There's, like, no more war on earth but somehow the members of Duran Duran have made some-sorta-death ray. Not cool, maaan. Luckily our girl is on the case to stop it. Um, but first a wardrobe change is in order. Nothing says rescue mission like clear plastic boob guard over a jazzercise outfit. Well, that was exhausting. I could sure use like a 154 hour nap. And all that orange shag carpet covering the inside of the ship sure looks plush. Anywhere looks like a comforting place to lay one's head. Or sleeping on the vinyl tarp from Fuerza Bruta works, too...

Are we there yet? Oh, good. It's time to change outfits again. Capes! I just hope there aren't evil twin children that ride around on hovercrafts powered by ice skating manta rays in this movie. It's been done soooo many times. Damn:

Great. Next thing you know, they'll be trotting out that old cliche of impossibly slow, flesh-eating dolls with razor-sharp teeth...

Oh, come on now...

It's lucky that bearish Man Handler (real name) is there to rescue her. How's a girl to repay such a hairy hero? Oh, just by rediscovering the healing power of penis-in-vagina intercourse. You see, in the future the deed is normally done with a pill and a hand touch. Trippy. Also, not cool. Where's the love, man? But, luckily for Barbarella, once you go actual sex you don't go back. And girl is definitely feeling the afterglow.
I think she likes it...

And how does one celebrate? New outfit, of course. Just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman

But, wasn't there a purpose to all this? (Don't answer) Oh, yeah. We need to be "Hungry Like the Wolf" for that Duran Duran concert. Well, those post-sex skunk furs aren't gonna help. Time for another–you guessed it–change of outfit! Good thing it's virginal white cause someone just met an angel! No, really. An actual angel:

He may be blind and lost the will to fly, but daaaaaamn he fine. He lives in a labyrinth among other half-naked people trapped in rocks and things. It's all for an Italian Vogue layout. But, whoa, man...Some hollowed-out space guard is trying to harsh our buzz. Good thing you can teach a blind guy to shoot a space gun. Cause he needs to get a reward. a nest. And looks like Barbarella's roll in the hay this time was just as satisfying:

It was so good, it gave an angel back his flight. Seriously. Miracle sex. And how was your last time? 

Let's go on a flight! (Maybe we'll find the plot.) But, let's not forget the post-coital outfit. Another cape! This time with Wonder Woman boots. 

Alright, y'all. I think the LSD is wearing off cause this trip isn't blowing my mind anymore. Quick rundown of the rest before we come to an abrupt end, in honor of the film:
  • The city they fly to is a co-ed S & M dungeon built above a giant eeeevil lava lamp.  
  • The Great Tyrant is trying to...oh, who cares
  • Barbarella almost meets her untimely demise to something even more terrifying than dolls: parakeets
  • She's saved by a rebellion leader who wants to have sex the good-ol-fashioned pill-like way. It quite  literally curls her hair:

  • But mainly he just exists to give her a new outfit. Now with a single boob cut-out! Sex=new clothes. And she was wearing that last one for far too long.
  • Something about an invisible key and, I don't know. The Magnus destroys everything. The End.
  • Oh, and a man in a bong:

Now, The End...

But not before we experience the single greatest moment of the film: A sex organ. (No, not that. Get your mind outta the gutter.) An organ that, when played, administers sexual gratification to the person inside. (Okay, so it was right to be in the gutter.) But as the tune changes, you will die...of pleasure!

I wanna build one in my basement.

But, if there's anything Barbarella is good at (and for the amount of times she almost dies or gets captured, it sure ain't what she's supposed to be doing....) it's sex. And, wouldn't you know? Her sexual appetite can't be satiated and she breaks the machine. But, not before she leaves us with the shot that, for me, captures the essence of the whole film:

It just oozes sex and whimsy, which is what this film is really all about. The red appendages look like they're licking her up and she's loving every minute of it. Plus, the best part, she got a new outfit after!

Sex Total: 4 times–with a Man Handler, an angel, hand sex with a rebel, and a machine

Outfit changes: 8 (not including various states of undress)

*This is apart of the Hit Me With Your Best Shot series at The Film Experience...well, sorta. I'm not really sure what just happened.


  1. I almost went for that shot. It's just so delicious, to use your analogy of tongues.

    1. that scene was the best! it was hard to pick just one that captured the whole crazy/sexy/beautiful thing...

  2. this post amused me muchly. i don't know what just happened either but i already want it to happen again

    1. ha. thanks! its just a fantastically bizarre cult classic. it kinda writes itself...

  3. Haha, I love your writeup! Great choice too. That was one of the shots I was contemplating.

    1. thanks! i had a tough time choosing since the film was choke full of great images.
      story and character–not so much. but, crazy visuals–it's got plenty!